Polyamorous People

Practical Polyamory

Labels are a mixed blessing. They help to identify and classify and connect but they also confine. In my last post I experimented with untethering myself from my mono label, put myself up on OK Cupid and started actively seeking to add new relationships with men into my life. What happened? Am I now happily cruising down the poly highway with my google calendar in full swing? Hardly.

It was fun, initially anyway. I answered a lot of questions and made some interesting connections. I picked up quickly that a lot of men on there are primarily looking for sex, even if they wouldn’t admit it, especially the ones interested in polyamorous women.

One of my connections was an attractive guy who was a 90% plus match and I started to get excited, but then I started to become nervous and this quickly moved to agitation. My thinking started to go back to a very mono mindset:  was this the guy of my dreams; should I set Z free to explore the fullness of his polyamorous nature; would I at last be able to have a wonderful mono relationship? Dangerous stuff, especially considering I hadn’t even met the guy. Through all this  Z was unsettled, and it did nothing to enhance our relationship. In the end we both pulled our profiles and I farewelled Mr Perfect Match.  Z and I have a great relationship and neither of us wanted to jeopardise that for grass that probably wouldn't be any greener.

It was however,  a worthwhile experience because I learnt a few things.

• I am still desirable to men and there are plenty of them available if I choose to put myself out there.
• I haven’t got the interest, time, or energy to pursue polyamory.
•  Z’s polyamory doesn’t interest me anymore. Maybe I’m over it, or maybe I've finally come to terms with it.  I’m fine with his relationship with J because it’s long distance, I like her and we’ve pummelled it into a shape that works for all of us.
• If Z can’t be happy with the relationship he has with me and the relationship he has with J it will be probably be deal breaker for me.

There are things I want in life that are important to me and polyamory beyond  the boundaries we have in place will simply not work for me. I am not working my butt off building a career and studying later in life so that we can have a comfortable retirement while he spends his spare time indulging  in a buffet of different relationships. 

That may sound harsh but we all have only so many resources to play with. These feelings of mine aren’t peculiar to polyamory, it would be the same if he wanted to spend lots of time and money on motor-sports, skiing or deep-sea fishing. I have a clear picture of what I want my life to look like and in the end a partnership only works if both parties have a similar picture.

 

6 Reasons why I've let go of Monogamy

I’ve been wanting to post for a while but I’ve been going through quite a period of change and every time I thought I knew what I wanted to say, by the time it came to writing it, I’d moved on. 

I’m untethering from monogamy. I’ve consciously chosen to no longer identify as monogamous.  Why?

1. After three years it was an ongoing struggle to stay happy. Of course I was a lot happier and more stable than in the beginning of our relationship but I was no longer progressing. I seemed to have plateaued. 
2. I came to realise that for me monogamy is a two-way experience and remaining monogamous in a relationship with a polyamorous person is a bit like trying to clap with one hand. 
3. There really aren’t very many polymono relationships that work well. While I don't believe in living my life in terms of what others discover, I think it is naive not to take that into consideration when making a decision.
4. I realised I was clinging to a monogamous identity that wasn’t serving me well and wondered if I could change it? 
5. I decided to think about what I wanted out of our situation, accept what is possible and achieve the best result. In our relationship me accepting polyamory is easier than Z accepting monogamy. I have always accepted the theory of polyamory and I have felt love for two people at once while I was married.
6. If some people cannot separate themselves from their polyamorous identity it makes sense that some monogamous people may be in a similar situation. I think many of us however, do have a freedom in the way we choose to identify and live our life. 

I’m not ready to say I’ve nailed it yet – it’s only been a few weeks after all, but I am feeling very happy; as if I've shifted something that has been weighing me down for a long time. I’ve put myself up on OK Cupid and I’ve had some really nice and interesting replies. I haven’t met them in person yet but even getting this far is a huge and gratifying step for me. Connecting on a personal level with men who are in similar situations to me is fascinating. 

It hasn’t  been an entirely comfortable process, but what change is? I have at times felt less secure in my relationship with Z because there has been a change in the balance and he doesn’t cope well with change, but this is progressing all the time and I feel more secure in myself.

Please don’t think that suddenly everything I’ve written to date is of no value. On the contrary I think I had to go through all that to get to where I am now. Dealing with Z’s polyamory forced me to grow into a more confident and emotionally mature person. If I’d tried to be polyamorous prior to all the self-work I did, I think I would have just created a big mess. I think I  would have had an underlying desire to find a monogamous relationship and I don’t think our relationship would have survived.

This is all new and interesting, stay subscribed, I think it will be an even more interesting journey :-).

 Sage

Free Advice when Polyamory and Monogamy Collide

Welcome to Polyamorous People, a blog that takes a brutally honest look at the ups and downs of life when polyamory and monogamy collide. I started this site after I realised that there is a huge difference between accepting a polyamorous partner intellectually and accepting him ( him or her there's no difference) emotionally. The intellectual side is relatively simple:

• Why shouldn't we be capable of loving more than one person at a time?
• If everyone is honest and needs are being met what's the problem?
• Of course we want our partner to be true to himself  and be happy.

I  quickly realised that the emotional aspect of accepting a polyamorous partner is a whole other story. This isn't only challenging for the monogamous partner but also the non-monogamous partner, who is often torn between love for a partner and love for himself.  As I worked through my emotions I noticed that there was a trail of people coming behind me going through similar things. There are forums that help but I wanted to create a resource that will always be available for those who need it, whenever they need it.

 

Polyamorous People offers:

• Lots of free advice from someone who is also learning how to have a happy relationship with a polyamorous or non-monogamous partner.
• A way to feel more normal and less alone. Having a non monogamous partner can be a very isolating thing when everyone around you seems to be in monogamous relationships.
• Simple tools you can use to save yourself. Not everyone can or should make a relationship with a non monogamous partner work. My main goal with this blog is that you come out in one piece whether your relationship is intact or not.

A Polyamorous Partner

The e-book

There is plenty on this blog that is free but if  you would like to have it all neatly packaged into a simple, easy to read guide you can download my e-book in the sidebar. You will also be supporting the blog and all the time I put into supporting people on forums.

Testamonials:

I bought your e-book and read it last night. It resonated very well with the issues rattling around in my head - Andrea

Your book was extremely helpful to me.  It offered me something that forums and yahoo don't offer, it is something in my hand that I can pick up anytime to give me relief, and we need all kinds of relief -Aria  

From my own personal experience I look at the questions that are probably plaguing you...

"How can he really love me?"

"Is this an excuse to justify an affair?"

"There must be something lacking?"

I look at jealousy and probably most importantly, how to successfully move forward.

And if you're the polyamorous part of a polymono relationship this book would make an excellent gift for your monogamous love.

One great Polymono Relationship at work and at Peace

Can polymono relationships work well and be at peace when the poly partner is active?   I have been asking this question quite a lot lately. I don't feel that I can answer it very well myself as my metamour is long distance and only sees Z three or four times a year. 

The other day on the polyamory.com forum I did  come across someone who does appear to have  an actively polymono relationship that is in fine fettle. I asked him to share about it because this kind of relationship is usually  very difficult to navigate and there are  so few positive role models. He has shared his story very generously and I  thank him very much for doing so.  There's some very useful  stuff in his story: from dealing with NRE to choosing poly partners -  enjoy !!  

Note: I have edited it a little here and there.

I'm the poly in a successful poly-mono relationship and I have personal association with other poly-mono relationships. 

As for how it works, I believe the major factors are the people and the effort. Luckily, I have had many disastrous relationships to learn from, and I have always been analytical about things, so I likely have a higher than average (for normal folk but maybe just normal for poly folk) awareness about relationships.

The people aspect is pretty clear. Some people are hardwired. Some are hardwired straight, some gay. Some are hardwired poly, some mono. Guys out there should give up trying to "cure" lesbians, and ladies should not worry about (and are generally smart enough not to in the first place) converting gay men. That doesn't work, yes? Some folks are in the middle and may be predominantly one way or the other but can be swayed. The same goes for poly and mono nature.

Big issues  arise when there are two hardwired mismatches. A mono wanting to fix a poly is trouble. A poly wanting to free a mono is trouble. Short term stuff might work, but friction causes pain in the long term. I'm not going to worry about trying to free a mono just like I'm not going to tell a lesbian or a homosexual man that they should try some variety.  I also am not going to put myself in a position (again) where I'm with a mono who is going to want to fix me. Learning to recognize the difference and choose an applicable partner is definitely a skill, and sometimes we learn it only after we're in love.

My mono is awesome. I spent years dealing with depression and self-destruction, but even when I want to do bad things to me I'm positive when it comes to my mono. Having a positive attitude is important. Yep, she's an idiot sometimes. Sometimes she forgets to use her "out loud" voice when telling me important stuff. But overall we're good for each other. She is also not a hardwired mono. Let's call her a soft-wired mono, or maybe you'd say "poly-friendly." She's not likely to ever be poly herself in the full sense, but she understands and accepts the way I am. Yes, this is rare; it adds to her awesomeness. So I avoided the mistake of being with a hardwired mono (even though I am mono-friendly).

The next part is effort. Talk talk talk. Oh my god, poly folk talk so much I want to just strangle them sometimes. But communication is rule #1 (right? Maybe #2. I'm sure someone will speak up if it's not #1.). We talk about everything that any normal couple would or should talk about. We also talk about what's going on with me and others. I don't make the mistake of oversharing though, and she doesn't dig into details. Her personality is such that details are not needed. I've seen many folk get obsessed about the details to negative effect. Whose is bigger or is tighter doesn't matter if everyone is happy. Any difference from my mono just makes me appreciate my mono's uniqueness. We try our best to be proactive in our talking. No waiting for later, and we understand that we always share based on love and respect.

Beyond talk, you must have action. I make a point to translate any NRE or potential NRE that I feel for someone into energy that my mono receives. Thus, any relationship or potential that comes up causes her a direct benefit. Thinking about how delicious someone else adds to my own hunger for my mono. Beside the obvious benefit, this reassures her that she is and always will be a part of my life. Frankly, the influx of NRE reminds me that my first (think primary in a nonhierarchical way for ya'll pedantic folks) relationship also deserves wooing and fun. One of our simple rules is that when either of us comes home, the coming home person is responsible for seeking out the other and giving them a kiss. It's a simple thing, but it constantly reminds us to connect. Even when I give energy somewhere else, I always try to remind my mono how important and attractive she is. Too many times I've seen polys let NRE blind them to the lovely they have right there already. The NR may get more E, but that no one gets left out in the cold.

Another success factor is selection. Along with NRE-blindness, I've seen polys make partner choices based on personal preference alone. When you're in a poly situation, you don't get to think only of yourself (IMHO). So when I'm looking at a potential partner, part of what I'm evaluating is how that person would integrate with the existing situation. This doesn't mean moving in or group time necessarily. It's a recognition that we all react to personalities differently. Will this new person's personality affect me in a way that will negatively impact others? Is this situation likely to be stable or sane enough for all? And most importantly: is this someone that my mono (who knows me well) will be reasonably (maybe not perfectly but with some insight) able to understand why we're attracted? If the person doesn't get along, move on. If the situation is likely to be full of emo and crazy, move on. If my mono would look and her and think, "Wtf, dude!?" move on. When I make good choices that take me and my mono in consideration, then we're way less likely to raise the stress level greatly, and she's reminded that she's important.

That's how we work in a nutshell. I actually found out just this week that she had been to this site over a year ago to read and lurk. Last night I was telling her about a cute freckled woman that showed up on the radar (bonus energy) and asked why she was looking at poly sites. Her response, "It's how you are; I wanted to learn more." In retrospect, I felt like an idiot asking why she'd be doing research. Duh. She's very thorough about things that are important to her.

For the record, I've been in poly relationships (interspersed with mono ones) for over 16 years now. I finally gave up on trying to fit the mono mould and began self-identifying as poly (without intention of ever trying to be mono again) about five years ago. My mono and I have been together for about four and a half years, married one and a half with a six-month old son and two cats. I also like lasagna, freckles, and intelligence. 

Would You Do It All Again?

 

Yesterday I considered pulling my book A Poly for a Partner off this site.

Why?

Because a young woman bought it and I was concerned about the strong message of hope it gives  in poly/mono relationships. I wondered how realistic this is in light of a survey I did on the Yahoo polymono forum which showed that very few such relationships are working well.

 

Today is the three-year anniversary of my first date with Z and it’s a time of natural reflection. Would I do it all again knowing what I know now?

Would You?

It’s a really tricky question.  My answer: No I wouldn’t do it again - if I could go back and keep all that I’ve learned through having had the experience.  A bit like being nineteen again knowing all that you know at forty or fifty. It just doesn’t work that way, but oh if only it could. I suppose it comes down to an underlying question: was there any easier way? 

Is there an element of fate that draws us into these kind of relationships? I think there is? My relationship has helped me understand things about love and myself that I don’t think I could have got in a monogamous relationship. Oddly enough in allowing Z to love others I have learned how to love myself. There is a enormous BUT here though that I want to make really clear to everyone reading this.

The level of polyamory that we have settled on is low.

• Z’s OSO J, lives in another country (albeit a close one). He sees her only 3-4 times a year. At her insistence their relationship is intimate but non-sexual. He wont be staying with her without me anymore because after three years I still don’t handle it emotionally very well. To the strongly polyamorous this probably sounds crazy but for us it works.  Z feels most complete when the three of us are together.  I am fine with them cuddling alone together when I’m on the premises. J and I are friendly and her spiritual work is her priority.
•  Z would like to have some casual, local girlfriends but is finally beginning to realise how impractical that is. Few people have the time or inclination to invest in a casual friendship which isn’t going to go anywhere that they can readily relate to, whether sexual or not. Maybe that’s why swinging is popular for people wanting sexual variety.  I’ve made it clear that if he did find such a relationship and wanted to pursue it, I would do the same.  Not with a tit-for-tat motivation but to keep our relationship in balance.
• We are all older and have all had marriages and children.

So that’s me. I do have a poly/mono relationship that is working well again, but the poly aspect is very contained. This is partially by design but mostly due to a very unique and specific set of circumstances. I haven’t enforced these boundaries, we have each decided what we need to be comfortable and the others respect that.  Z and J are both  affected by my discomfort and I think I've only learned how to love myself because it was a matter of self preservation.

 

 

 

 

Developing Your Authentic Self Through Open Relationships

 

Not long after starting this blog I wrote a post called 11 positives for a mono in a poly relationship in response to the big question, ‘what’s in this for me?’ Since then my relationship has gone from strength to strength and I can add a couple more positives. These two are actually the most important of all but they took a while to become evident.  

12. The satisfaction of allowing the person I love most in the world to be himself. This is different to compersion. If you can feel compersion that's wonderful, but I'll settle for solidly satisfied.

13. Being in an open relationship has forced me to look for myself in ways that I don't believe I would have done in a monogamous relationship. It has provided the impetus for me to seek out and fill myself up with the things that make my heart sing and make me who I truly am, instead of too often trying to find those things via my partner.

When I was in a marriage that was supposed to be monogamous my husband and I used to tell each other that as a couple we were more than we were individually.  I now believe that was wrong – hugely wrong.  In order for that relationship to exist in the form that it did we were both a lot less than we could have been.  On the surface things looked semi-Ok but the relationship was kept afloat by not resolving a number of very important issues.  

So we had  a difficult marriage and we didn’t know how to fix it.  What has that really got to do with polyamory?  In my marriage I was unable to create and explore a number of things that were very important to me and were part of my authentic self.  One of those things was having a passionate relationship and the other was being financially secure. Eventually it was the lack of those two things that was our undoing, even though we still loved each other and we were compatible on a superficial level.

If something is important to you and you can't make it happen within the confines of a relationship one of two things happens:

• You  learn to be happy without it. Some people can do this and I thought I had. I thought I had made peace with my life as it was.  But life has a way of continually pulling us to experience our authentic selves.
• The relationship crumbles.

Trying to impose monogamy on my current relationship would be forcing Z to be less than he is which immediately sets up a dynamic of sacrifice.  I would be aware of his sacrifice and feel that I must do the same. Instead of a relationship that allows us to be everything we want and need to be, it would have started contracting because it would have been built on sacrifice.

This isn't just supposition and theory, we did try that path and that was exactly what happened, only at the time I didn't quite understand it. My experience was only that the person  I loved so much was no longer fully available to me, even though he genuinely tried to be, and I knew it was as a result of my inability to love him as he naturally is.

Being in a open relationship has taught me that loving and having the love of one person is not enough, whether you are polyamorous or not. Our culture tells us that it should be, and holds up the  ‘…and they lived happily ever after’ scenario, but in trying to make it so we should be careful that we don't  make ourselves less then we really are.

You may not be interested in having another romantic or intimate relationship  in your life but if your life is an authentic expression of who you are, you won’t need to focus so much on what your partner is doing or not doing.  They can be busy and happy being them and you must get busy and happy being you. What happens when two happy and authentic people come together is magical and totally exciting.

 

Are We Out-Growing Monogamy?

When statistics show at least 60% of all men ‘cheat’ at some point during their marriage and 40% of women do the same thing, shouldn’t we be asking ourselves whether monogamy is something society needs to look at as the generally accepted platform for all committed relationships?

I don’t know my bible very well but I do know that in the Old Testament when a woman was widowed her husband’s brother took her as a wife. How would you feel about that one? It would definitely have its trickier moments but that isn’t really my point. My point is that cultural rules were devised to support the needs of the people not the other way around. Do we still really need enforced monogamy or should it just be one of a number of choices? 

Are we reaching a point where it would serve our culture to relax the monogamy rules? I’d like to think that Tiger Woods would scream ‘hell yes’, followed closely by Arnie Schwarzenegger, but I doubt it. In relationships however, where the egos and the bank balances are a lot less inflated it could make a profoundly positive difference. 

There are many forms of non-monogamy: polygamy, swinging, polyamory, polyandry, and friends-with-benefits. Simply opening up a relationship will not make it a better relationship. Unhealthy non-monogamous relationships can be every bit as bad as unhealthy monogamous relationships, however by taking monogamy out of the equation and adding components such as honesty, communication, forgiveness, empathy etc. a relationship is forced to grow up.

Healthy non-monogamy requires much more work than cheating, so I’m sure that even if (dare I say ‘when’?) it becomes a more accepted choice in society there will still be those who prefer to cheat. Non-monogamy requires the use of emotional intelligence and courage but offers the opportunity for a wonderful exploration of our authentic selves.

Evolution is not a speedy or an easy process but it is a natural one.

 

 

 

Without Forsaking All Others

 

 

Welcome to life in the polyamorous lane.

 

There are many of us who live  with polyamory in our lives everyday. There are so many kinds of open and polyamorous relationships that it’s almost impossible to generalize. But generalize we must, even if just a little, in order to create for ourselves a commonality and a supportive community.

The one thing we all have in common when we are in  a relationship with someone polyamorous, is that we do not have the love of our loved one exclusively.  In today’s western society we probably share that reality with lots of people who don’t claim to be in polyamorous relationships. The difference is that for us this is something that we must learn to accept if we wish to be successful in our current relationship.

My point of view is a bit different from most other people writing on the subject.  I'm monogamous in a relationship with Z who is polyamorous. I'm not a counselor, I'm a writer who has struggled to understand how to make this kind of relationship work and because of that I'm in a good position to help others come to terms with similar struggles. I believe my relationship is successful and most people who have any understanding of it would agree. Of course it isn’t perfect but I wouldn’t swap it for any other relationship that I know of.  By any standard, other than the standard of monogamy, it is a very, very successful relationship. I know of  other poly/mono relationships that are also very successful so rest assured that they can work.  Like in any other type of relationship however, there are also people who don’t seem to be able to make them work.

If you are new to poly/mono or know of someone who is my little e-book a Poly for a Partner is a great place to start. I wrote it when I was still close enough to the start myself to remember what it was like but far enough along to know what I was doing. Now it’s getting harder to identify with that lost, hurt and terrified person I was in the beginning.

I’m currently working on a new project called Not Foresaking All Others. It’s a book that I want to pour everything I've learned about polyamory and in particular poly/mono, into.  I want it to stand as a definitive resource for everyone living this kind of life and I would love your help.

• What are the things you still struggle with?
• What are the things you want to know more about?
• What are the things you’ve learned?
• What are the benefits you've found in this kind of relationship?

If you have anything you can contribute please leave a comment or contact me personally. More and more people are being confronted with this kind life everyday and those of us who have already travelled the path can make it so much easier.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Finding My Way With A Polyamorous Partner

 

 

By participating in a polymono relationship we are giving our poly partner a truly great gift; the gift of 'allowing' them to be themselves. Giving is supposed to benefit the giver most, and I believe that in our case it can, but it's a journey and journeys especially great journeys, are never easy.

First and foremost our gift of 'allowing' must be reciprocated, even though as the mono part of the relationship we may never feel a need or even a desire for another partner.  It must be reciprocal in terms of the freedom with which we live our lives and the freedom with which we are able explore our own journey.

I believe this is where monogamy so often fails us in the world today. Wouldn't it be sad if by the time we are in our forties or fifties we are  simply an older version of our twenty or thirty year old selves. Isn't it far preferable that we are actually a reasonably different person? And what is the likelihood that the person we wanted to share our life with at twenty five will have grown in exactly the same way as us? If my ex-husband would have agreed to polyamory we probably could have saved a marriage that still worked on a number of levels.

If your dream is to be everything to your partner then polymono probably isn’t a great idea for you; but if your dream is to be everything you can be to yourself  then polymono is a great journey. Like any great journey it isn’t always comfortable. 

In the early days of my polymono relationship I was very focused on Z’s other relationship.  Looking back I think there were three reasons for this.

1. I wanted to know who this women he loved so much was.
2. I didn’t want to feel left out and wanted to feel somehow included in their relationship.
3. I felt implicated. I felt like if I wasn’t with them I was against them. My metamour has been burned on the mono end of an unhealthy open marriage and I felt a responsibility to help her be comfortable. At the very least I felt a responsibility to not be the cause of her discomfort.

Steps one and two are important. I think it's healthy to get to know a metamour.  That doesn’t mean we’re going to feel any of the spark our partner has for them, but it’s healthy and important for a number of reasons:

• Imagining someone rather than knowing someone tends to make them much larger than life.
• Knowing someone enables empathy in a way that imagining them doesn’t.
• A healthy relationship with a metamour means that there will be a natural inclusiveness and there is more likely to be mutual respect.

But that was where I needed it to end. Although it wasn’t a conscience thing I think in a way I thought the more I invested in their relationship the more likely I was to experience that oh- so- desirable state of compersion. Instead, what I noticed was that I started to become invested in what is essentially their business and was becoming affected by their highs and their lows. Parts of their relationship I actually consider to be dysfunctional but it's not my job to sort that out.  

So earlier this year I decided to pull back my involvement in their relationship from pro-active to neutral. What that has done for me is open up more emotional space for pro-activeness in my own life journey . While it’s good to know and be on good terms with our metamour, being the star of our own life journey is much more important and ultimately much more satisfying.

If you enjoyed this post please take the time to leave a comment, or subscribe to future posts . Due to work commitments my posts are becoming a little irregular. 

Thanks for stopping by

Sage

New on Polyamorous People - Guest Posts

 

 Hi everyone and a special welcome to our new followers,

Polymono is as diverse as any other form of polyamory. From my own experience I can only give quite a limited perspective so I'd love you to share your own stories and consider writing a guest post on polyamorous people. I've written a guest post on another blog; it was a great experience and can give you extraordinary insight into your own story. It's also a way of  helping others who might connect more readily with your situation than with mine. If this sounds as if it's something you'd like to do please let me know, you can stay as anonymous as you like and I'm happy to edit if you feel that your work would need it.

This is Ms X's story; thanks so much for sharing it.

4 Great Big Lessons I've learned as I move through polymono

1. Listen listen listen, if they tell you they are poly.

I was divorced, and my kids were grown and gone. After a few years of being alone and lonely, I met B.  We clicked immediately.  And I was so thrilled to be noticed, delighted that a man was paying attention to me. I threw caution to the wind and dived into the relationship.  He mentioned that he wasn't monogamous, but I paid little attention, just happy to be physical and romantic with a man again.  Divorced like me, he had been in a relationship with a woman as her secondary for several years.  He also dated other women from time to time.  At that time, it worked very well for him.  In my extreme naivete and happiness, I declared airily that I didn't want to know about anything he did while he wasn't with me.  Then after a few months I fell in love with him, and gradually what he was doing when he wasn't with me became very important after all.  

2. Don't try to change yourself

I met his primary, who was married and very worldly. B was happy to be her secondary. I felt intimidated and naive.  At the same time he was meeting and beginning relationships with a couple of other women. It was tearing me up but I didn't want to acknowledge it.  I was trying so desperately hard to fit into his world, instead of making it all right in mine.  I subscribed to poly groups online, describing myself as newly into poly and wanting to embrace it, thinking if I tried hard enough, I could change myself.  I even tried going on a date with a poly man I met online.  That didn't go well.  Actually, I hated it, and I didn't do it again.  As for my feelings about B's other women; I remember him telling me that he had been so fired up about meeting one of them that he had made a textbook romantic move - one he hadn't made toward me.  Yet she was still reluctant and playing hard to get. Knowing how he was wooing her broke my heart, but all I found myself doing was listening to him, comforting him and advising him about the challenges she was presenting him.  I thought I was being really broad-minded but I was ripping myself to shreds. Eventually I accepted that I'm not poly.  I am really not poly and I stopped the pretense.

3. Don't expect him (her) to change

But after a year or so of being together, it was finally just the two of us.  The other women fell away.  Yet still we weren't having the deep conversations.  And I was fooling myself that it would all work out.  Then, a few months later, he told me he had met someone else.

 "I'm pursuing another relationship," he said.  

I will never forget how far my stomach fell on hearing him.  He had never told me he was going to be monogamous with me, but I was lying to myself and blithely carrying on like he was.  So that was when he began seeing C.  And that was when I finally woke up and started the work that has kept me going and in the relationship with a man whom I love more than I have ever loved a man. A man with whom I am really, really well suited - similar intellect, similar interests, similar political views, similar everything.  Except for sexual orientation.

4. Do expect to work work work.

After a couple more years when he would, from time to time, toy with the idea of seeing other women, and look out for possible dates, B finally came to the conclusion that two of us are enough for him.  He is committed to both of us.  I am his primary, and C is his secondary.  She and I are not close.  There isn't a connection, except for B.  We are a Vee, not a triad. If I am perfectly honest, and I need to be to make this story a truth, I feel competition, yet it isn't a competition, it really isn't, at least not to B.  I know that he loves us both, and I know he loves me very much. Yet after all this time,  I can still be unhappy when he is with her.

Fortunately, there are times when some compersion, happiness that he is happy, creeps in and oh my what a relief that is.  It feels really good. Then things will ratchet up a notch - maybe something occurs that naturally bonds them some more - and my comfort evaporates and I feel threatened all over again. I'm mono, through and through and so the work continues.  It's worth it, it really is, but for me, it is still labor, it is still hard. And I know he is working hard too.  Without mutual understanding and willingness to put in the effort, it wouldn't work.  I am glad we do - and it does.

And so on we go... 

 

Is your Partner Polyamorous?

 

So is mine. 

It's taken me a few  years to really get to grips with it but then I've have done it the hard way, largely alone. Some people don't like labels, but if the concept of intimately loving more than one person hadn't been labeled polyamorous, enabling me to find an online community, I might never have found my way through the emotional quagmire.

When I met Z  he didn't know he was polyamorous.  How could he, neither of us had even heard the word? He had a harem of female friends, only one of which he was completely intimate with. 

I was happy for him to keep his platonic friendships. I even pushed myself to let him keep his "friend with benefits". Ironically it  was she who couldn't handle having me around and exited his life.

The tricky relationship;  the one that has set me on my search for a context in which to place it, endured. A few months after we moved in together I had to confront what for me was a terrible truth: he didn't just love this woman, he was actually in love with her. He was sure that he loved me "to infinity and beyond", but his love for her, a woman who would probably never share his life on a daily basis, was not going away and in many ways has grown stronger.

My learning curve has been slow and at times very painful.  The forums were useful but it would have been even better to have had something that was was right there, logically set out, written by someone who had actually been through it all and come out the other end in one piece. Everything available seemed  long and academic and was written by polyamorous people who weren't mono.

So I've written what I would have found useful.  It's a short, snappy,easy to read ebook for anyone who finds themselves in a similar predicament; or if you think that you might be going to put someone you love in a similar predicament. I've recently even had someone buy it for her boyfriend's mono wife!

 A Poly for a Partner 

If this is you, you're still trying to figure it all out and you're hurting this little book is for you.

At $12.50 I believe it is good value and by buying it you are supporting this blog.

Testamonials:

"Wow! I am super impressed! This is the best book I have read in years, and I am a big reader, my library card always gets worn out"  Polly-loves-2+

I bought your e-book and read it last night. It resonated very well with the issues rattling around in my head - Andrea

Your book was extremely helpful to me.  It offered me something that forums and yahoo don't offer, it is something in my hand that I can pick up anytime to give me relief, and we need all kinds of relief -Aria  

From my own personal experience I look at the questions that are probably plaguing you...

"How can they really love me?"

"Is this an excuse to justify an affair?"

"There must be something lacking?"

I look at jealousy and probably most importantly, how to successfully move forward.